


Worth

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Of Light and Fire DVD Extras, AUs and Odds N’ Ends [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Flashbacks, Framing Story, Good Parent Han Solo, M/M, Pining Ben Solo, jealous ben solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-15 20:49:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17536004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: In which Ben and Poe finally realize how much they love each other.





	Worth

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: First Time/Last Time
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“You sure you want to do this? I mean, after all this time?”   
  
Ben couldn’t help but be nervous. He knew he shouldn’t be worrying, of course — would Poe be looking at him the way he was if he didn’t want him in some way or another? — but at the same time, there were already so many anxieties going on in his head. The sort of anxieties that he could only assume were there when you had a first time like this. Something so massive. Something where you couldn’t turn back once you took that first step. And somehow, Ben was afraid. Not because of Poe, but because of what it all represented. Poe was the sweetest, gentlest man and here Ben was, afraid and excited all in one.  
  
Poe took a deep breath. “Ben Solo,” he said, “There’s been no one else that I’d rather be with right now. Really.”  
  
“Okay.” Ben could only hope that he didn’t change his mind when he saw what Ben looked like underneath. He couldn’t help but go over his physical flaws — too much muscle, not enough, too skinny, not enough. All those contradictions that seemed to go together in this moment of nervousness.  
  
“And you? I’m not going through with this if you’re not comfortable.”  
  
Ben swallowed. For all his insecurities, he was excited. More than excited, actually. “I’m ready.”  
  
***  
  
 _It was when Ben was eighteen that he realized that he was in love with Poe Dameron. He’d had the occasional flickers of what could be called a crush here and there, but eighteen was when it sprang into full bloom, and he couldn’t help but start noticing things about Poe. Not just the huge things, like how loving and caring he really was, but the small things. The jokes that he cracked, for example. The way he laughed. The way he smiled. All the small things, but even the small things were miracles in and of themselves. It was, in other words, amazing.  
  
Even that realization one day was enough to make him feel like he had been hit in the gut. He wasn’t about to show it. He wasn’t about to be obvious about it. But when he threw a punch to defend Poe from one of the Academy students talking about him, he had that love in mind.  
  
“Watch out for that Dark Side, Ben,” Devan said, slightly jokingly even as they managed to escape a lecture from Uncle Luke about managing emotions.  
  
“I know.” Ben said.   
  
“Still,” Devan said, “That was a mean punch. I like it.” He winked at Ben, and Ben sighed. In terms of Poe...he didn’t know if Poe returned his feelings. But either way, he was a fool when it came to this man. A complete and utter fool for love. _  
  
***  
  
“Ben, look at me.”  
  
Ben did. He looked at Poe — and seeing the sheer amount of desire in Poe’s eyes was enough to amaze him. He doubted that he had ever been looked at with that amount of reverence before, that amount of need. Poe’s eyes were wide and almost black, his lips parted.  
  
“I...got lost for a moment.” Ben said.  
  
“It happens,” Poe said. “I just realized...I knew you were beautiful. I didn’t think you were this beautiful.”  
  
Ben couldn’t help but feel tears spring to his eyes.  
  
“Ben,” Poe said. “Did I say the wrong thing?”  
  
“You said the right thing.” Ben said. He could still feel Poe’s eyes on his chest, on his collarbone, his face...everywhere where he could seemingly look. “The exact right thing.”  
  
“Good.” Poe kissed his cheek. “Because you are beautiful. Don’t argue with me. You are.”  
  
***  
  
 _The problem with jealousy was that it ate you up inside. Even watching Poe try, vainly, to date other pilots, Ben couldn’t help but wish that Poe would look his way. None of those other pilots knew Poe, truly knew him; they saw only the superficial aspects. Or maybe Ben was being unfair? Maybe he didn’t understand those pilots. He just didn’t know.  
  
Problem with jealousy and pining was that it just built and built. And the Voice was coming back. Saying stuff like Poe was worthless, that Ben was worthless, other contradictory stuff that mostly seemed designed to drag Ben down. He almost wished the Voice would make up its mind, at least.  
  
All of it built up to one argument, which Ben couldn’t even say what it was about; it had veered off from its original topic. Veered off, then culminated in four words from Ben:  
  
“Because I love you!”  
  
Ben paused as soon as the words left his mouth, suddenly feeling horrified. He couldn’t drag Poe into his evil, into his...darkness. He wasn’t worthy. He’d kept the jealousy to himself, not only because of his uncertainty that Poe felt the same, but also because Poe Deserved Better...  
  
“I’m sorry,” he said, hurriedly, and walked away.  
  
“Ben — ”  
  
“I made a mistake,” Ben said, and he knew it wasn’t about his feelings, but how he’d expressed them.  
  
How carelessly he’d given them away.  
  
_  
  
***  
  
“You don’t mind if I...remove this, do you?” Ben knew it sounded awkward, but he didn’t know how else to vocalize the fact that he wanted Poe out of that leather jacket as quickly as possible.  
  
Poe laughed — but it was affectionate, not mocking, something Ben couldn’t say that he minded at all. “You kidding? I’ve been dreaming about this.”  
  
Ben was careful, placing the occasional kiss to Poe’s temples. He didn’t know that he would ever get enough of this. Just kissing Poe. He really wouldn’t get enough of it. In a room where they could simply be together, where the presence of both of them seemed to be the only ones filling it...  
  
Ben couldn’t help but groan the moment that he managed to get that shirt — that damnably frustrating shirt — off Poe. Poe was a mixture of soft and hard, knotted, flat abdominal muscles contrasting with a soft lower belly that really seemed to make Poe’s body even more beautiful. Stripping away Poe’s pants was even worse, because kriff, his hips...  
  
 _“Poe,”_ Ben couldn’t help but groan. He couldn’t say he had a coherent thought outside of just wanting to worship that perfectly shaped body. “Kriff, Poe...”  
  
“Well, that’s the intention,” Poe teased.  
  
“No, I’m serious. You’re beautiful. You’re so beautiful, and I just want to...show you how much.”  
  
Poe’s teasing grin faded. Then, “How?”  
  
“Just lie down. And...if you let me in your head...”  
  
Poe nodded. “Please.”  
  
***  
  
 _“So, what’s going on with you and Poe?”  
  
His father was the one to ask that question while they were playing sabaac one day.   
  
Ben sighed. “He’s...” He couldn’t even blame Poe. The truth was that he was completely kriffed for someone who probably thought he meant nothing to him. “It’s not him, it’s me.”  
  
And he explained everything. When he was done, his father sighed.  
  
“You ever just considered talking to him?”  
  
“I’ll screw it up. Again.”  
  
“Kiddo...thing about being in love is that there’s going to be some bumps in the road here and there. Some of them more serious than others. But the testament to a solid relationship is how it survives the rough parts. Including how it starts off. You...he’d be a kriffing idiot not to love you. In my opinion.”  
  
Ben smiled faintly. As usual, his father overvalidated him.  
  
“Thank you, Dad. I...I’ll talk with him.”  
  
“Anything,” his father said, and Ben could tell he meant it with all his heart. _  
  
***  
  
Poe lay on the bed, and Ben could feel the sheer amount of trust in him, the adoration in his eyes. Ben took a deep breath. “Just relax. Imagine that your mind’s an open door...”  
  
From there, entering Poe’s mind was easy. And it was amazing. Ben had seen flashes of Poe’s thoughts before, but they were only impressions of what Poe’s thoughts really were like, what the inside of his mind was like. Inside, Poe’s mind was pure light, pure warmth and heat, and Ben wondered what made it possible to get there without being a Jedi.  
  
Even the inside of his head was beautiful.   
  
Ben lowered his lips to Poe’s belly first, kissing it. He knew that Poe was slightly self-conscious about it, and that was why he was kissing it — because Poe didn’t need to feel self-conscious about it, not once, not ever. He hoped that all of this was leaking through to Poe, the fact that he was so beautiful that the flaws were just endearing quirks.   
  
He moved down towards Poe’s thighs next, the interiors as he nibbled and sucked, well-formed legs that, kriff, were only making it worse. Poe’s whimpers were also making it worse, and his beautiful face was already starting to contort just from Ben’s ministrations. Poe’s shaft was starting to tent against his underwear, and Ben had to reassure him that no, they weren’t done yet.  
  
He moved towards the upper half of Poe’s belly, playfully licking up the abdominal muscles even as they tensed up, Poe trembling and moaning Ben’s name all the while. Ben smiled down at him, feeling Poe’s desire surrounding him and mingling with his.   
  
“You’re even more beautiful right now.” Ben said. “You know that?”  
  
Gently, Poe said, “Please, Ben...I need you.”  
  
Ben could not resist him.  
  
***  
  
 _Poe was with BB-8 cleaning his X-wing when Ben stopped by. Ben didn’t know what to expect, really, if Poe would be angry with him, if he wouldn’t even want to see him, but he actually looked relieved when Ben approached. Then, “So it wasn’t a mistake then?”_  
  
“I’m sorry. About the argument...and how it ended.”   
  
“Oh, Ben...”  
  
Ben continued, “I was afraid. I’ve been so used to feeling unworthy. Like I don’t deserve any of it...”  
  
“You do deserve it. Ben...what you feel, I feel the same way for you. I was just wondering what took you so long. And then when you apologized for that of all things...”  
  
“I shouldn’t have.”  
  
“No. You shouldn’t have. I know your Light and Dark parts, Ben Solo...and I love all that you are.” A beat. “And I’m not gonna run away from you.”  
  
Ben hugged him. It was all but impulsive. He never dreamed that this wonderful man would actually love him back. Poe hugged him back, and Ben was all but engulfed in it. No matter what happened, Poe Dameron would never let him fall, and Ben would do the same for him.  
  
  
***  
  
It seemed that everything about Poe was dangerously, wonderfully addictive. Even kissing over Poe’s chest, licking and sucking on Poe’s nipples (which Poe was apparently sensitive to), licking up the sensitive, long, graceful column of Poe’s neck, Ben could already feel his desire growing. His shaft was already aching, and they were both gasping, moaning, until Poe drew him into a kiss that was almost bruising. Ben almost forgot about another thing he wanted from Poe — his full, pretty lips. They moaned, even as their shafts ground together, as Poe’s fingers tangled in Ben’s hair — kriff, just like that. He kissed Poe again, making sure to make Poe’s hair all but messy from their kisses.  
  
He could feel the fire he had stoked in Poe already growing, and growing — it was practically a bonfire before Poe broke the kiss. He was gasping for air, his lips ravaged and swollen. “Fill me up, Ben. I need you.”  
  
Ben hesitated. What if he hurt Poe? After all, he was so large, and Poe was almost delicate-looking.  
  
“You won’t hurt me. I trust you.”  
  
Ben nodded. He reached over, took the bottle of lube from the nightstand, and squirted it into his hand. He slicked his shaft with it before lining up with Poe’s entrance. He spoke. “Ready?”  
  
“Please.”  
  
Ben moved, and stars, Poe was so warm and tight in there, all but encompassing him, engulfing him. Poe gasped, groaned Ben’s name and it sounded almost ragged there. Ben reached between Poe’s legs and stroked, again and again, and Poe was moaning. They were all but lost in each other as Ben stroked Poe, gauging Poe’s reactions to see if he was doing it right.  
  
They moved, Ben alternately thrusting and stroking, their moans filling the room. He could feel Poe tremble, groan, and then a stream of pure stickiness course into Ben’s hand as Poe climaxed — it wasn’t a subtle climax, but quite the dramatic one, Poe moaning Ben’s name as their bellies and Ben’s hand got sticky.  
  
There was so much, too much pleasure. Even as Ben came, shuddering and moaning Poe’s name, he was already shuddering in pleasure, a mingled sort of pleasure and pain from just how much bliss was built up in him.  
  
He slipped out of Poe, lay beside him. They were both exhausted, sticky, but happy, and Ben knew there was no one else that he would rather be with.  
  
Poe turned to him, smiled — his smile was practically radiant in that moment. “That,” he said, “Was perfect.”  
  
Ben smiled back. “I’m glad. You know I’d do anything to make you happy.”  
  
“I love you, Ben.”  
  
Ben doubted he’d ever get tired of hearing it — or saying it back. “I know. I love you too.”


End file.
